


crashing once again

by queerfawn



Series: redefining bravery [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, College AU, Depression, Fluff, Gen, I reffered to this ad the suffer fic while writing it soooo, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Modern AU, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, it's almost thee am I can't tag rn, kinda? It's only touched on briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 05:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6941113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I won't be here in a year." Alex said grimly, looking John in the eye.</p><p>"Getting out of this damned town?" John questioned, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>Alexander laughed. It was a humorless laugh and something about it unsettled him. "No, John. Forever the optimist, aren't you? I'm going to be dead a year from now," His tone was casual but his eyes were dark as he tipped back a shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	crashing once again

**Author's Note:**

> DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE  
> A shit fic isn't worth it my guy
> 
> I write dark stuff to cope with my mental health and gender dysphoria and also apparently I exclusively write in the notes on my phone pft s'what all the pros do
> 
> SORT OF DISCLAIMER: I have never really been hospitalized nor have I successfully overdosed. Forgive any and all inaccuracies.

"I'm sorry. Please don't miss me."

Upon receiving the ominous text message John had raced out of class without bothering to explain himself to the professor. Images of wait awaited him back home flashed through his head. Bleeding out? Unconscious because of an overdose? Or perhaps most morbid, brains spattering the ceiling and much too far gone to save?

His hands were shaking so violently he almost couldn't get the key in the door and by the time he'd managed to unlock it he was in tears out of fear and frustration. What if he was too late? What if he couldn't save his Alexander? It would be his fault if he didn't make it.

"Alex!" He shouted, voice breaking as he ran to their bathroom first. It was empty. Whet if he'd jumped off the roof of the apartment building? Oh god. He pushed away the thought and rushed to the bedroom, where he found a sight that both calmed and terrified him.

His Alexander was unconscious in the floor, appearing to have overdosed. He dropped to his knees, pulling the taller man onto his lap and grabbing his phone to dial 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Yes my- my boyfriend made a suicide attempt. He's unconscious but he's alive."

He went through the motions of the operators instructions, mind wondering aimlessly.

A few weeks after John and Alex had met they had gone out for drinks and gotten slightly wasted. Before they'd gone completely out if it and started 'platonically' making out, he'd made some unsettling confessions about his mental health which John had originally set aside.

"I won't be here in a year." Alex said grimly, looking John in the eye.

"Getting out of this damned town?" John questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Alexander laughed. It was a humorless laugh and something about it unsettled him. "No, John. Forever the optimist, aren't you? I'm going to be dead a year from now," His tone was casual but his eyes were dark as he tipped back a shot.

John's brow furrowed. "You can't be serious." His concern for the man he called his best friend and wished to call his lover grew immensely.

"I wish I wasn't. Besides," He said, tone disturbingly cheery for the subject matter. "Everyone will be better off without me! No one needs one more depressive anxious borderline fuck up."

"I need you," Johns tone was pleading and desperate. "I haven't known you two months and I couldn't live without you. Please don't follow through with whatever you plan to do."

Alex searched the other mans expression for a moment before nodding. "Okay. I was given one chance, one shot at making a difference. I am not throwing away my shot!" He shouted with a grin, drawing stares from everyone else in the bar. He didn't seem to care.

Here they were months later and Alex had done what he swore he wouldn't. Or at least tried to. The operator stayed on the line until the EMT's were crashing into their apartment and his Hamilton was being taken away from him by complete strangers.

They assured John that Alex would be fine and largely out of danger as soon as they got him to the hospital but he refused to leave his boyfriends side. So he was begrudgingly allowed into the ambulance. He was numb to everything except the pale face of his love until a sentence that made his blood run cold wormed into his perception.

"His heart rate is dropping."

He was going to lose his Alexander.

\-------------

John sat with his head in his hands, tear stains on his cheeks and breathing labored. His chair in the hospital waiting room was hard and uncomfortable, and he could hardly feel his legs after sitting there all night.

"Mr. Laurens?" John was sitting up immediately, coming face to face with a plump nurse. "You can see him now."

"Thank you," John rasped. "Thank you so much."

The nurse led him to his room, giving him a quick nod before leaving to go about her business. John paused outside the door, taking several deep breaths as if readying himself before a dive.

Finally he opened the door and stopped breathing all together.

His beautiful Alexander lay there almost perfectly still, arms limp at his sides. The monitor showing his heart rate beeped steadily, and the IVs in his arms dripped every so often. John had to clamp a hand over his mouth to prevent an audible sob.

Despite his better judgment John quickly crawled onto the bed beside his boyfriend, curling in on himself and resting his head on the other mans chest. He could hear Alex's heart beat, could hear he was alive. It was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

"John?" Rasped a familiar voice.

He sat up quickly, jerking around to look at Alexander, who had woken up without him noticing. He was bawling again in a split second.

"I thought I lost you," John said between sobs, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and getting as close as he could without fear of hurting him.

Alex rain a calming hand through the other mans hair, shushing him gently. "It's okay, I'm okay," He promised.

John kissed his lips quickly before showering his face in kisses. "Please don't ever do that to me again," He begged. "I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you, I love you."

"I love you too." Alexander replied gently, tears pricking at his own eyes.

John bit his lip in apprehension. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be upsetting you. I need to be strong."

Alex smiled softly and kissed his boyfriends forehead. "You don't need to be anything. Being here is more than enough. I wouldn't have blamed you for leaving me after what I just put you through," His voice cracked as a tear slid down his cheek against his will.

John silenced him with a quick kiss. "Stop that. I could never, ever leave you. I wouldn't even if I could. Do you know why?"

Alex shook his head, not trusting his voice.

"Because you are the love of my life. And I want to be there when you wake up and see that staying alive was worth it. I want to be old and gross and wrinkly with you," They both burst into teary laughter at that. "Do you believe me?" John asked gently.

Alexander nodded. "I do," He whispered, letting his eyes slide shut and tipping his head back. "I wanna marry you. But no one would come to the wedding, cause, ya know, we have three other friends. We'd have to dress dogs up in suits and dresses."

John choked on another laugh. "Do you really mean that? Do you really wanna get married?" He asked, tone serious but happy.

Alex nodded. "Damn straight I mean that. Takes a brush with death to make a man realize what he wants.

"Well, lucky for you I don't need to end up in a hospital to make any life choices. I guess I'll just have to propose to you after you get out." John was grinning as he pressed another kiss to his boyfriends lips. "Go to sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up."

"I love you," Alex said soft.

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> ..... The first fic was better.
> 
> Did you guys like this???? Should I write more??? Any requests????? Let me know in the comments pls


End file.
